Only when I’m drunk...
Wednesday, 10 March 2010.
Originally from express article 10 March 2010
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| Diana Rands from CADS. |
I am afraid to say that domestic violence is alive and well in our communities. Unfortunately, until now there seems to have been a ‘cone of silence’ around this issue. We all know of people in our communities who are suffering – or who have suffered - the effects of verbal, emotional or physical abuse. The fact is that members of our communities are often more vulnerable due to age, homophobia, transphobia, lack of family support etc.
Domestic Violence is insidious – it is always about power and control, even though people can feel genuine remorse for what they have done. The flip side to this remorse however can be the need to shift the blame, including blaming the victims or something else.
The good news is that Outline, Shine and Rainbow Youth have joined forces to co-ordinate a wonderful new resource that is designed to tackle this issue head on. It is called ‘you, me, us’, and is a gorgeous resource – complete with exquisite photos by Rebecca Swan. Not only is it beautiful, it is packed full of non-judgemental, easy to understand and useful information.
An example of some of the gems it contains is the section: ‘Tips for healthy relationships’.
The headings in this section are:
- ‘Do not expect anyone to be responsible for your happiness’,
- ‘Make and keep clear agreements’,
- ‘Approach your relationship as a learning experience’,
- 'Sometimes you need to make a decision’,
- ‘Review your expectations’,
- ‘Be responsible and admit your mistakes and say sorry’, and last but not least
- ‘There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. Sometimes you both will need to make compromises. Without disagreements and arguments, your relationship will NOT grow stronger’
(taken directly from ‘you, me, us’ – 2010).
Great stuff… tips that are a prudent reminder for us all. You can get copies of ‘you, me, us’ direct from Outline – just call 0800 OUTLINE (688 5463) or you can view it on http://www.rainbowyouth.org.nz/healthyrelationships.
And then there is the role of alcohol… How many times have we heard ‘It’s not them – it is the alcohol’ or ‘I only do it when I’m drunk’. If this is the case – then the answer seems quite simple to me… Deal with the alcohol problem, and then maybe you will be able to deal with the anger and/or power and control problem. The truth is that alcohol does not make anyone abusive; it just exacerbates what is hidden when our natural inhibitions are keeping us in check. The two feed each other however – and so it is important to deal with them both.
If you are someone who is continuing to be abused when your loved one is drunk, you too can get support. It may be that you have to make the hard calls in the short term.
CADS are the right place to go for support. We are here, we are free and we are queer friendly. There are no excuses really: It is not ok to be violent or to live with abuse.
If you have concerns about your own or someone else's alcohol or other drug use contact CADS on 8451818 to discuss this or you can call in to any CADS unit without appointment any weekday morning between 10am and 1pm and see someone face to face. Or visit our website www.cads.org.nz. If you live outside Auckland contact the Alcohol and Drug Helpline 0800 787 797.
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