Collateral Damage – the ‘loved ones’ of people with substance use problems
Wednesday, 3 June 2009.
Originally from express article 3 June 2009
By Di from Auckland Community Alcohol and Drug Services (CADS)
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| Diana Rands from CADS. |
Is your life ruled by, or affected by, someone else’s problematic use of alcohol and other drugs (AOD)? If so - YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
In 2008, the New Zealand National Mental Health Survey estimated that in greater Auckland, there are about 45,000 people who meet the criteria of a substance abuse disorder. Current (conservative) thinking is that a minimum of four people will be adversely affected when someone has a substance use disorder. This means that there are at least 180,000 people in Auckland who are in some way affected. As we all know (well you will if you read this column...) research tells us that queer communities are three times more likely to use alcohol and other drugs in harmful ways. So yes – there are a few of us who will be feeling the negative effects of someone else’s using and many who do not know what to do about it!
Having a significant relationship with someone with an addiction problem can do your head in, especially if you live with them. ‘Addictions take time to develop and behaviour can change gradually or suddenly. People can become untrustworthy, unreliable and act like they don’t care.’* Common feelings for people affected by others AOD use are embarrassment, shame, hurt, anger, confusion and grief. Sometimes we blame ourselves, and find ourselves attempting to make up for, or cover up the others negative behaviour. This can be extremely stressful. However, there is hope - there is a way out whether your loved one chooses to change or not.
“Living Well” is a wonderful little booklet that has just been published by the Kina Families & Addictions Trust. It identifies three main ways of coping that people affected by others AOD use, employ to manage living alongside someone who is using problematically.
They are:
- Standing up to it – trying to control the person's using, the money – usually arguing a lot...
- Putting up with it / Keeping the peace – picking up the pieces, cleaning up the mess, covering up...
- Getting away from it / Withdrawing – staying away, avoiding contacting old friends...
All three ways of coping have their pros and cons. The most important thing is for you to gain your own understanding of what can be helpful in your situation, and what makes things worse. A great first step is to email Kina at info@kinatrust.org.nz and ask for a copy of the booklet ‘Living Well’ or you can visit their website www.kinatrust.org.nz. Of course if you live in Auckland you can come in and see us at CADS for information and support. You can come to one of our Family and Friends groups or get one to one counselling (see below for details).
The good news is that with the right support (positive people, friends, family, GP, alcohol and drug counsellors, support groups etc) and information - people have turned their lives round from isolation and shame to connection and strength. If they can do it – so can you!
*Taken from “Living Well – exploring strategies for the family and friends of people using alcohol and drugs.” Produced by Kina Families & Addictions Trust.
If you have concerns about your own or someone else's alcohol or other drug use, or you’re concerned about someone else contact CADS on 845 1818 or www.cads.org.nz. If you live outside Auckland contact Alcohol and Drug Helpline 0800 787 797.
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