When your loved ones have a substance use problem...
Wednesday, 27 July 2010.
Originally from express article 27 July 2010
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| Diana Rands from CADS. |
Oh yes we have all been there – skirting round the great big pink elephant in the middle of the room... I am referring to those times when there is a problem, an issue, some sort of tension that is palpable – but no one dares to name it!
Having a loved one with an alcohol or other drug problem can be like this. There are many reasons that we don't talk about it. One is that often problems can take a long time to develop, and we just get used to the dysfunction, and of course - no one likes to be told what to do! Another reason is that we don't know where to start! How do you raise the issue without looking 'holier than thou', judgemental, a sanctimonious git even!
There's every chance that the person you want to talk to will put up a barrier if they get a whiff of confrontation, labelling, or your intention to give what might be very good advice. They've probably had these very conversations in their own head! The key is to give them the opportunity to be reflective rather than defensive.
So – how do you do that? It is very important to choose your time wisely! There is no point talking to some one who is intoxicated – they will not remember it the next day – or they may react in ways that make rational conversation impossible. Tell them that you want to talk to them about something important, and that it is hard for you. They are your friend so there will be lots of things that you love about them. Make sure you start the conversation by mentioning all these things – and finish with a statement about your commitment to them.
Speak from your own perspective using 'I' statements. Making statements like "you're constantly out of it" or "your behaviour is pissing me off" is likely to get a defensive reaction. Instead, say things like "I have concerns about your drinking, the other night when you starting drinking, you got quite abusive, this is not how you are when you are sober, did you notice the difference too?" or "I feel really awkward about talking to you about your drinking, but I care about you, and wonder if you have any concerns?" Listen carefully and ask them to tell you more.
The ALAC TV adverts 'Ease up on the drink', are wonderful examples of this approach.
Your task is to listen without judgement and reflect what is being said – resist the temptation to add your two cents worth, unless they ask you! The truth is that unless the person acknowledges they have a problem, you are stuck: the more you try to convince them, the more reasons they will give you about how they do not have a problem.
Research shows that these types of conversations DO make a difference. Our worst enemy is the 'blind eye': the human ability to continue with behaviours that are obviously doing us in! Unless your motivation is to undermine, hurt, or punish – raising the issue is a loving act. Sure it takes way more than one conversation, but it is a start – it is a really good start!
If you have concerns about your own or someone else's alcohol or other drug use, or if you'd like more information, contact CADS on 845 1818 or www.cads.org.nz or if you live outside Auckland contact Alcohol and Drug Helpline 0800 787 797.
> More items from Di's Drug Column
